You’re buried at work, your list of chores is three miles long, the two hours of volunteer work turned into a twenty hour a week project, don’t forget those online graduate courses you're taking...oh, and did we mention the kids?
And then your best friend calls and asks for a favor. You can tell by the tone of her voice this it’s going to cost you even more precious time. Can you please just swing by her favorite store and pick up a few things? After all, it's on your side of town and it will save her the trip over. You’re already going to meet her for coffee today anyway.
You want to say no, but for some reason, you can't. You’re paralyzed by sheer terror at the idea of denying her what she's asking of you. You would feel guilty for denying her something, when she does do a lot of favors for you, even when you don't ask her to.
Why is there so much guilt and shame attached to the two simple letters of “n” and “o?” According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, co-authors of Life Lessons, “the psychology of guilt is rooted in self-judgment, the sense that we have something wrong.”
They argue that we are taught as children to be good little girls and boys by being socialized to exchange our sense of identity for people-pleasing. We are rewarded for submitting to adults’ wishes and punished for saying no. “We’re trained to be codependent, making others’ needs and life more important and neglecting our own.”
Most parents become frustrated when children disagree with their requests, so when do we learn how to appropriately say no? Most of us don't. Therefore, our first step to learning how to say “no” is admitting that we don’t have a clue and need some help learning.
First, get clear with yourself about what your motivations are. Life Lessons also points out that guilt is a pretty reliable guide. It tells us when something is out of whack.
The Life Lessons authors claim that guilt is internalized anger. This means that if someone asks you for something and there is guilt attached to your answer, you need to ask yourself why did their request made you angry? Why are you afraid to say no? What are you afraid of? Then you need to be open to the answer and accept your own truth.
William Ury, in the The Power of a Positive No, suggests that a single no can be turned into two yeses by finding both parties interests. For example: instead of feeling anger towards your friend for making you go to the store for her, apologize for not having enough time tonight, but offer to buy her dinner when she makes the trip across town next week. Or tell your boss that you can’t take the additional workload with a clear conscience because you want to ensure your current projects will meet her high standards.
Just say no, and give yourself a break!
