Dear Madame Manners,
I’m planning my wedding for this summer and my fiancé and I already have everything we could need for our home. We wanted to ask guests instead to donate to our favorite charity. I’m just not sure if this is appropriate or how to go about it politely. What should I do?
Sincerely, Bride to Be
Dear Bride,
Sometimes, asking your guests directly to bring money to donate to a charity of your choosing makes them feel uncomfortable. And while you may think the wedding is about you and your beloved, as the hostess it is your duty to ensure that your guests are happy.
However, it is very generous that you would like to do something to help others rather than receive gifts you don’t need, and if you go about it in the right way, it can be a wonderful gesture.
Your guests should not feel obligated to give to a charity of your choosing. If the occasion is informal, such as a birthday or graduation, than it would be appropriate to state your intentions on the invitation. You may write that their presence would be gift enough, however, should they wish to give something to mark the occasion, they may add a donation to the charity of your choice, and indicate when and where they can make the donations.
Weddings, however, are different. It would be impolite to put information about the gift giving on the invitation because it implies that the guests are obligated to send a gift to the happy couple. It is also impolite to dictate how other people may spend their money and they may not agree with the particular charity you are supporting.
You may rely on word of mouth by telling people you would prefer a charitable donation. Allow them to choose their own, but also have a list of the charities you would personally prefer to support.
Alternately, if you have a wedding web site, you could list the information there with links to the charities’ own web sites.
Word of mouth, however, isn’t always reliable. One of the best options is the web site JustGive. JustGive has a database of nearly 1.5 million charities and includes a guide with 1,000 charities that have met stringent public charity organization requirements. Brides (or anyone at the receiving end of gift giving) may create a registry of charities they would like to support. Guests can log in to view a registry and make a donation directly through JustGive. Guests even have the option to keep the amount of the donation private if they choose. They may also simply make a gift in your name if they do not wish to donate through your registry.
On the flip side, not every couple has the luxury to be so generous. Many young couples actually need the gifts they register for in order to set up a household. However, there are still ways to give. A couple may choose to make a donation themselves in lieu of party favors. JustGive will send you a printable sheet to inform your guests of the donation. Or you might consider making small cards to put at each place setting. Alternately, you may purchase charitable gift cards for your guests so they are free to choose their own charity.
Or you might consider favors that are tied to charities without necessarily being a direct donation. There is a wide selection of breast cancer favors where the seller donates a portion of the proceeds to Breast Cancer Research funds.
The Cancer Research Foundation also makes it easy to create favors for your guests and will even provide a printed custom favor and a YouCure wristband for each guest. Or, with a small donation they will provide you with a gift box to display, donation envelopes, YouCure wristbands and easy return shipping.
The most tactful way is not to tell your guests that a donation has been made in their name. This may make people uncomfortable. Instead, indicate that the donation has been made in their honor.
Make sure you choose your charities wisely. Choose causes that are meaningful, that you are passionate about and that are personally close to your heart. Before you donate, make sure to verify the charity through www.give.org, www.charitynavigator.org or www2.guidestar.org. Or, if you aren’t certain which charity to use, these sites will allow you to search for charities and find out more information.
Although you might have the best of intentions, it is important to make sure that your guests don’t feel obligated to give a donation or donate to a specific charity or cause. If done correctly, donating to a charity is a generous way for those who have enough to provide for those who do not. It can be a meaningful and humanitarian gesture, and can greatly change the lives of people who desperately need help.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Madame Manners
