It's normal to get angry. Situations can be frustrating. People can be infuriating. And getting angry is OK, unless you let yourself feel something you can't truly let go. But if you hang onto that anger incessantly, it will be yourself that you hurt the most. It turns out that the old saying is true: resentments are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
According to The Sedona Method, long-term grudges can turn into chronic stress that can cause heart disease, cancer, depression, autoimmune diseases and reproductive problems, along with other minor maladies like upset stomach, back pain, headaches and fatigue. While the object of your anger walks around oblivious, you are a heartache waiting to happen. Is this what you really want for yourself?
Unmanaged anger and hostility prevent you from caring for your health and impact your relationships. While the impact of people's emotional health on their physical well-being may sound like common sense to many, they have actually been studied in-depth by The Stanford Forgiveness Project, which cites examples of how heart patients who reduced their anger and hostility also reduced their morbidity.
Along with improving the length of your life, acting in a forgiving way improves your quality of life. A Stanford University study conducted by Dr. Fred Luskin also showed that jilted college students who were taught strategies in forgiveness had a 70 percent reduction in feeling hurt with 20 percent reduction in general experience of anger. There were “substantial improvements in reducing anger and blame and increased...willingness and confidence to use forgiveness in offensive situations.”
Is holding a grudge worth it? Obviously not.
So how can you learn to forgive? Dr. Luskin’s nine steps to forgiveness are a good place to start.
1. Soul search. Figure out what exactly about the situation made you uncomfortable and angry. Then tell a couple trusted friends.
2. Commit to feeling better about the situation. Forgiveness is about you – not about the other person.
3. Forgiveness is not about reconciliation or condoning their actions. It’s about coming to terms with the situation, letting go of the blame, not taking the hurt so personally, and finding your peace. It’s not about convincing the other person to see it your way. This is about you!
4. “Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.” Gaining perspective on the situation doesn't involve realizing this isn’t about another person. It’s about your feelings towards another person or circumstance. There is a difference.
5. Soothe the instinct to fight or flight. Learn strategies and tools to calm your hurt and anger as they occur.
6. Let go of expectations and learn acceptance. Stop waiting to be happy when all those people, places and things finally meet your expectations. That might never happen.
7. Stop replaying the hurt and appreciate the growth the situation created. Look for the good instead of hyper focusing on the bad. When one door shuts, another one opens.
8. “Forgiveness is about personal power.” Hurt hands your power over the person who hurt you. Forgiveness gives it back to you.
9. Create a new story with the happy ending of your heroic choice to forgive.
Let go of the grudge and get back to your life!
